Mandolin for President
"The way I see it, cats' rights are being trampled on everywhere. We have long had silent leaders, but it is time we make our presence known to the world. As President of the Cats of the United States of America, I promise to do my best to secure cats' rights and to ensure our command of society."
--Mandolin Mouse
Mandolin's Running Mate
Scrunt Angelicat
Number of votes: 35
The Issues
| Economy and Jobs | Education |
| Health Care | Foreign Policy |
| Environment | Homeland Security |
| Housing | Welfare |
Mandolin belongs to the Evil Chipmunks Party, who are dedicated to taking over the world.
Eligible to vote?
To vote for the Cat President of the USA, you must--
--be a human or animal*
--live in the USA or would like to
--have never abandoned a cat
--be at least one year of age
*If a plant wishes to be able to vote, please contact your local courthouse.
Vote Here
Send your support--Make all checks payable to Mandolin Mouse, ECP.
Last Updated: Thursday September 29, 2005
Economy and Jobs
As a result of President Bush, our economy is a bit slow now, which sadly has affected not only the human economy but also the cat economy; however, with my ingenious mind, we will get our economy back to where it should be and then work on helping humans. My tax breaks will most help the lower and middle classes. Senior cats will also be able to expect better retirement funds. It is my belief that no cat should have to work unless he/she wants to; however, I do have much disdain for those capable cats who do not kill a mouse or bird at least once a year. We must stop the stereotype of "lazy cats."
Although jobs are scarce, I have a brilliant plan. It is so brilliant that I must keep it secret, but you must trust me. John Kerry boasts that he will create 10 million jobs within his first term; I guarantee that I will be able to create 20 million jobs within my first year as president. Of course, cats always outdo humans, so that isn't too shocking. When I am president, if you want a job, you will be able to have a job.
Education
As cats, it is our duty to be the most intelligent creatures on the planet, and although this comes naturally to us, it is very important we are acknowledged for our intellect. Too many times a dog is praised for some heroic feat while the cat who told the dog what to do is left in the shadows; we need to let the world know that we are the brains behind it all. I will begin a program that showcases the best way to get noticed for our intelligence; DVDs about the program are already circulating.
As we all know, the kittens are our future, which is why every cat between the age of birth to a year must attend school, and we all realize the importance of this. Sadly, in some areas there are not enough teachers; sometimes kittens will have to share a mouse to practice their hunting skills on. It's even gotten to the point is some areas where tree-climbing has been taken out of schools to save money. With my ideas, however, our schools will be in top condition. No kitten will be left behind. It is my promise to the American cats that when elected, I will see to it that our intelligence is not only recognized but idolized. Remember Egypt?
Health Care
In a world of such technological advances, it's disheartening to know the number of cats who come down with worms and other illnesses, illnesses that can be prevented and easily treated. Not only do vets cost too much, but some cats outright refuse to go to them. They're cruel; they poke and prod you, take your weight in public viewing, take your temperature you know where, and all the while expect you to purr. As much as I hate vets, they are essential to our wellbeing. However, when elected, I will make sure every vet in the USA undergoes training as to how to properly treat cats. They will learn how to take our temperature in our mouths and that if we claw them, we aren't trying to be cute. They will undergo aggressive therapy and seminars until they will be allowed to practice.
Also, there will be a universal health care plan for all cats. That said, no cat will have an excuse to have fleas, as each of us will be able to get flea drops. To help decrease the amount of unwanted the kittens, each cat by the age of five months must sign a contract stating that they will never abandon a child. If they do, there will be severe penalties. I must admit, though, that abstinence is key. Although they say once you're fixed you lose all sexual desire, they're humans and don't know a thing. After being fixed, the sex drive is still there, but you must remember to use protection to stop the spread of diseases. Also, from now on, killing your own children because you fear you do not have enough milk will not be tolerated. I will set up a program of cats with extra milk, and any mother who fears she cannot care for her child will be able to go there.
Foreign Policy
Although we do need to help all cats regain their freedom, there are certain rules of conduct we must follow. We cannot follow the humans' footsteps and cause other countries to collapse for our own benefit. There is one practice that I feel very strongly about, as well as many of you, that we must stop. We will put an end to people eating our fellow cats; this is the worst atrocity in catkind that we cannot let go unpunished. I have military actions ready now and escape routes to save all cats from being slaughtered. It will take some time and much money, but this is something that needs to be done. We cannot turn a blind eye any longer.
Environment
Our environment is slowly being destroyed by humans who have no regard for the beauty of nature. I have a plan to stop their greedy ways, but it is too top-secret to mention publicly. They will no longer chop down our trees and endanger our lives, as well as the lives of the animals we so love to hunt. Not only are they damaging what we hold so dearly but as well as animals' livelihoods. Air pollution is another area we must fight. In some areas, the air is so badly polluted that it is almost impossible to find easy birds to attack, and I will take care of this problem, as well. Another common complaint of cats is cigarette smoke, and I have devised a way to get owners to quit the habit. Whenever they light up, you attack their hand; when they drop the lighter, you grab it in your mouth and go hide it. With repetition we will be able to condition them to stop smoking.
Homeland Security
It's not a safe world like it used to be, and as much as humans try to protect themselves, they do an awful job of it and rarely take us into consideration. We don't need to worry about profiling because we have the intelligence to know who is a terrorist and who isn't, and trust me, a 90 year old blind woman with a cane does not pose a threat. We have instincts, unlike humans, and are smart enough to use them. It is my goal to get every cat in the USA a signaling device so that if you see a potential terrorist or other "evildoer," you will press a button to alert all cats in the area. There is power in numbers and intellect. We can keep the humans safe from themselves.
Housing
Sadly there are many homeless cats in our country, and until humans learn what responsibility is, we are going to have this problem. There are strategies we all use, such as rubbing against a nice-looking person and purring, and we all know that if a person has one cat, we can convince them to adopt us, as well. Things aren't usually that simple, though, which is why I am working on building cat complexes. For this to work, the average cat will need to kill one extra mouse per year, which I don't think is unreasonable to ask to ensure that all cats have a nice place to live. Also, any cat being neglected or abused will be helped to get away and move into a new apartment. There will be senior cat homes, for those who need the companionship of other elderly cats and help with daily functions.
Welfare
Too many cats are on welfare but not at their own fault. Who would want to live in a cage by loads of other cats? No kill shelters are okay for short-term living and in the hopes of finding a home, but too many shelters are ready to kill us. Don't be trapped into thinking you'll be adopted if you go into a shelter. If it's not a no-kill shelter, you don't have much of a chance, unless you're a tiny kitten. I will cut back all funding for shelters that put down cats and offer more funding to no-kill shelters. The extra money will go into the new cat homes project. I will also work with the shelters to ensure that if a cat is tired of waiting for a home, he/she will be able to leave at his/her own will and move into one of the cat apartments I'm creating.
Votes so far
1) Suzi Skeens, human, WV
2) Destini, cat, WV
3) KiKi, cat, WV
4) Luna, cat, WV
5) Kit, cat, WV
6) Bobski, cat, WV
7) Psycho, cat, WV
8) Stormy, horse, WV
9) Ginger, horse, WV
10) Tillie, dog, WV
11) Jenny, human, WV
12) Puss in Boots, cat, Spain
13) Jackie Skeens, human, WV
14) Clinton Skeens, human, WV
15) Maggi, dog, WV
16) Nici, dog, WV
17) Megan, human, WA
18) Kyla, cat, WA
19) Joyce, human, WV
20) Mike, human, WV
21) Cocoa, horse, WV
22) Mandolin, cat, WV
23) Scrunt, cat, WV
24) Snipey, cat, WV
25) Jes, cat, WV
26) David, human, US
27) Sara, human, MI
28) Pepsi, cat, MI
29) Spot, dog, backyard
30) Lil' Bob, cat, WV
31) Odelle, cat, Canada
32) Alisha, human, WV
33) Phydo, cat, WV
34) Saul, human, fantasy land
35) John Deere, horse, farm
Created June 6, 2004
The Committee to Elect Mandolin
Evil Chipmunks